Dieting Under Stress

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
NOTE: I don't know what the original of this said, but this one has been put together as kind of an average of all the ones I've seen.
ANOTHER NOTE: I have it on the authority of those that should know (stress dieters) that this is all true!)
Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch

4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo Cookie
Mid-afternoon snack
Rest of the Oreo's in the package
2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Nuts, cherries, and whipped cream
Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
Large sausage, mushroom, cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
3 snickers bars
Late Evening News
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer
Rules for this Diet

  1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda
  3. When you eat with someone else, the calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
  4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  5. If you fatten up everyone else, then you look thinner.
  6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package, not part of one's personal fuel. (Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls.)
  7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
  8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
  9. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. (Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.)
    Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
  10. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
  11. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories, since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.


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